Classification of Watching Speed Guilt
An application has been submitted to classify the guilt experienced when watching content at 1.5x speed as a distinct phenomenon separate from the guilt of not watching it at all.
Official Application: Classification of Watching Speed Guilt Submitted to the Bureau of Experiential Phenomena
Applicant Statement
The applicant is seeking formal classification for a phenomenon that currently lacks a name, which makes it difficult to discuss, reference in future applications, or set aside with any finality.
The phenomenon is as follows.
Description of Phenomenon
The applicant watches content at 1.5x speed. Sometimes 1.75x. The content in question includes documentary films, interview-based series, and lectures by people who speak at a measured pace that was presumably selected for clarity and emphasis and which the applicant finds impossible to sit through at the intended rate.
The applicant watches at 1.5x speed because 1.0x speed feels slow, and at 1.5x speed the content is technically consumed without being experienced in the way the content was designed to be experienced. The applicant is aware of this and continues.
Request for Classification
The applicant requests that Watching Speed Guilt be classified as a distinct phenomenon, separate from the following adjacent phenomena with which it is currently being conflated:
Not-Watching Guilt: The guilt experienced when content sits unwatched in a queue. Watching Speed Guilt is not this. The content is being watched.
Watching Guilt: The guilt experienced when watching content instead of doing something else. Watching Speed Guilt is not this. The applicant has allocated time for the content. The time is being used correctly.
Distracted Watching Guilt: The guilt of watching while also looking at a phone. Watching Speed Guilt is not this. The applicant is attending to the content. They are attending at 1.5x.
Watching speed guilt is distinct from not-watching guilt in that the content was consumed, and it is distinct from watching guilt in that it was not consumed correctly, and it is distinct from distracted watching guilt in that the applicant was paying full attention to something that was happening too quickly to be fully attended to.
Supporting Evidence
The applicant can report the main points of the documentary. They cannot describe the texture of watching it. They have seen the person being interviewed. They cannot hear how that person pauses before a difficult answer, because the pauses were shortened and the difficulty did not register.
The applicant cannot determine whether this matters.
Governing Absurdity
The content was created at 1.0x speed. The applicant watches it at 1.5x speed. The applicant feels guilty. The applicant does not slow down.
Classification Requested
A standalone entry in the Bureau's register, under the heading: Consumption Without Experience. Subtype: Speed-Mediated.
Applicant Status
Resigned. The next episode begins in four seconds.