Terms Governing Breakfast Postponement
It is 1:15 PM and the person eating this is calling it breakfast.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS Governing the Practice of Breakfast Postponement Effective: Immediately and Retroactively
Article I. Definitions
"Breakfast" means the first meal of the day, regardless of clock time. A meal consumed at 1:15 PM by a person who has not yet eaten is breakfast. The fact that the clock says 1:15 PM does not make the meal lunch. The person is not confused about this. They are precise.
"Breakfast Postponement" means the practice of delaying the first meal through a sequence of provisional deferrals, each individually reasonable, until the meal occurs at a time that most parties would classify as lunch.
Article II. Standard Sequence
The postponement proceeds through the following accepted stages:
- Wake. Not hungry yet.
- Coffee first. This is non-negotiable.
- A small task first. Breakfast after the task.
- The task has taken longer than expected. Starting breakfast now would interrupt momentum.
- Almost lunchtime anyway. Might as well wait.
- Lunch is eaten and classified as breakfast.
Any breakfast postponement repeated three times becomes part of the meal and must be performed again. The sequence has been repeated on all working days for an estimated eight months.
Article III. Naming Rights
The person retains the right to call this meal breakfast regardless of temporal evidence to the contrary. The name "brunch" is not accepted. "Brunch" implies leisure and social coordination. This meal involves neither. This meal is a private meal eaten alone at a counter because the postponement ran long.
It is breakfast.
Article IV. The Governing Condition
Everyone nearby starts accommodating the ritual even when they do not share it. Household members have learned not to mention that it is past noon. Plans involving the subject during late morning now include the notation "they haven't eaten yet."
The meal eventually cannot begin correctly unless the ritual is performed in the accepted sequence.
Article V. Exceptions
There are none. The postponement occurs every day. On weekends it can run until 2 PM.
Article VI. Amendment
These Terms may be amended only by the addition of a new Item 3.5: "Actually eat breakfast now." This amendment has been proposed internally on fourteen occasions. It has not been ratified.